You’ve been hired as a writer for “Late Show with David Letterman.” Your first assignment is to come up with a witty, nonpolitical Top Ten list for him to read on air.

Bargain Hunters Board Edition! I met most of my best friends on BabyCenter’s Bargain Hunters board, which I started trolling back in 2008. I clearly remember what brought me to that particular board. A mom on my July 2004 birth board posted about a diaper deal she had found on the BHB. The BHB was infamous for having more drama than bargains.

The Top Ten Ways You Know You’re A Babycenter Bargain Hunter:

10. You have a Diva Cup, a Ped Egg, a Rubbermaid Reveal mop, magic pants, and Magic Cream.

9. Only Ticonderoga pencils and Crayola crayons will do for your special snowflake. And no, you will not contribute to community classroom supplies. That spiffy superhero/princess folder was expensive, and your kid isn’t getting some cheap ass yellow folder that will fall apart after the first week of school.

8. You know what an iSlice is.

7. If there is any possibility that you may be pregnant, you pee on a stick and post 10 pictures for everyone to tweak.

6. You are passionate about topics such as breastfeeding in public, character clothing, light up shoes, returning shopping carts, having nice things while receiving government assistance, and tipping servers at restaurants.

5. You are excited to get a Box of Crap.

4. Someone calls you out on an obscure comment you had made more than four years ago. Or you call someone out on the same.

3. You can name all fifty spin-off boards that were created after being kicked out of Canada.

2. You know that a huge thread about something mundane usually has great drama, so you open every page of the thread in a new tab because it will inevitably disappear before you reach the end.

1. You know there are actually no bargains posted on the Bargain Hunters board, and asking where the bargains are will get a newbie’s ass handed to her.